I'm trying to get through my end-of-semester grading. I look at the stack. Three courses, probably one ream's worth of paper that's fluffed out, stapled, clipped, or dog-eared with the occasional post-it note here and there alerting me to something that a student forgot to do or a mistake that happened last-minute. I get paper cuts. I knick myself on the occasional staple because there's so many pages and the damn piece of metal wasn't big enough and neglected to go all the way through. Not only am I required to read all of this, but I also feel obligated to comment on most of it. After all, the majority of my students have worked hard and put long hours into writing all of these papers. And well, if it was me (since, in reality, it WAS me four years ago) I'd expect nothing less. 

So I'm through one course. Thirteen 30-page papers this weekend. Getting through that required negotiating a lot of distractions. Let me clarify, distraction is different than procrastination. Procrastination is avoiding; it's what many of us do initially and it's what I'm doing right now as opposed to tackling the next large stack for the second course. Distractions are the little things you do along the way that drags the overall stinking task out because the lack of focus makes the process take that much longer.

"Grading" distraction for me equals eating lots of dark chocolate. So is doing a load of laundry, then calling the plumber because for whatever reason, the main line out of the house backed up. Then there's the mindless Facebook and Twitter-checking as my attention wanes. I check the online version of the New York Times; peruse the yoga class schedules at the two studios that I never seem to have the time to attend anymore. Fantasize about all the things I would be doing right now if I *had* the time to be doing them right now. I go to weather.com and check the radar over and over again on a cloudless day which is the equivalent of looking into the cabinet or the fridge for the umpteenth time and expecting what you see to be different. Or I go all out and put on the actual Weather Channel. Local on the 8s. However, the only thing that seems to go fast is eight minutes and my increasing awareness that I've gotten very little done between each eight-minute period. Conclusion: despite what Jim Cantore wants you to believe, weather isn't all that exciting the majority of the time.

So tonight I decided to take the night off. Tackle course two tomorrow. Give myself some free time to do a few of those things that I had fantasized about 24 hours ago.

I meditated. Rather, tried to meditate. Inevitably, that's what happens when you go back to meditation practice. Monkey mind hits. Thoughts are all over the place. Tried focusing on the breath, using a mantra. It wasn't easy, but I'm proud to say I stuck with it until I jolted myself awake twice after starting to nod off.

With that "done," I called two friends that I have been thinking about and have wanted to connect with for some time. Got voicemail. Left a message, hung up, stared at my desktop, and realized that I had absolutely no idea as to what else I "wanted" to do. I started reading the most recent issue of O Magazine but I found myself flipping though pages, disinterested. I picked up Real Simple magazine which was an impulse buy when I was at Whole Foods over the weekend because the cover said "Be happier this year! 9 surprises to get you there!" (Yes, it left me disappointed, and as you probably can guess, certainly not any happier.)

I petted Scooter the dog. Yelled at Scooter the dog for barking at Dori the cat. Finally, I decided to blog, because, as I'm discovering, writing is the one thing in the short-term that starts to get me back on track. So here I am. A wee bit little less distracted, but not by much.

The long term solution? Regaining my daily meditation practice which will allow me to focus. I'm fighting it, despite the fact that I know it's good for me. It takes time and is hard to get going again when I'm feeling this distracted. Tomorrow is the winter solstice, which gives me hope, because the days infinitesimally begin to get longer. Meditation is like that. Initial gains can be infinitesimal, but if you stick with it, your time on the cushion and your ability to focus slowly gets longer. So I'm going for my next 30-day challenge, which, if I stick with it, should leave me focused and a lot less distracted.

I'll let you know. But, in the meantime, I'll be setting my alarm for 2:45 a.m. so I can bundle up and step outside for a short time to check out the lunar eclipse. (In my book, this counts as one of those few positive and worthwhile sleep-distractions.) Happy winter solstice everyone.